Life can be a very strange phenomenon, people being equally strange at times! Today we are looking at a situation that affects many, the deliberate infliction of pain i.e.: bullying. We have all met people who seem to acquire pleasure from hurting others through either physical or emotional acts. In some ways the physical is easier to cope with simply because there is no denying the intention of a direct physical action. You punch me, I hurt: A simple equation.
How about identifying emotional pain that can on occasion be so subtle you are left wondering whether it was deliberate? This can be very difficult and maybe the best way to decide whether a remark is intentionally vindictive is through your experience of that person. If they are usually nice to you, it might just be a bad moment where they were angry or failed to consider what they were saying first! This is not the kind of remark we are concerned with as no-one’s perfect and we can all give as well as receive bad throwaway remarks. You will also find that if a remark was not meant the person who made it will probably be genuinely sorry about its effect.
The problem comes when people eat away at you with sarcasm, cutting remarks, rudeness and clearly have an over powering desire to upset you. This is often connected, either consciously or sub-consciously, with instances where you do not jump to a command or do something that you know will meet with disapproval! It is difficult to function well in this situation so the best route is to walk away where possible. Leaving that relationship (or job behind if you are having problems with your boss or a colleague that cannot be resolved) and seeking better elsewhere will quickly allow you to rebuild your confidence and take your life in a new direction. If leaving is not an option then you will need to be resourceful in order to maintain a strong sense of your value and self-worth, whilst finding a mechanism to cope with the stress such behaviour is bound to generate.
The first thing to realise is that if you can find a way to handle constant cutting remarks and what amounts to emotional cruelty, you are the stronger person. How easy is it to go around hurting others? Pretty easy once you know what is guaranteed to upset someone else. It takes little in the way of skill and can usually be turned on at the drop of a hat. To resist such attacks takes an extraordinary amount of practice and self control. Preparation is key. Being able to identify the situation that will lead to a verbal attack so that when it comes you can say to yourself, ‘told you so!’
One of the best courses of action is to walk away from conversations or situations that are guaranteed to end in upset. How frustrating for that person if you are calm and they are denied an opportunity to ‘get at you.’ If they do manage to upset you do not retaliate, keep your composure and mentally brush it off. Not easy, but with practice you can build up your defences and eventually become a little immune to some of it. Having things in your life to focus on is important. If you have problems at home then focus on your work and visa versa. Hopefully there will be periods when you are on your own and you can use these times to relax, unwind and focus on positives such as your strong points, how to move your life forwards and be in control.
If you are able to help the person understand how they are treating you, (although most people are very aware of their actions) and the effect it has, you may be lucky and find that they care enough about you to try and change. It might be that you can help them address the underlying need that causes them to behave in this way, maybe seeking counselling or another form of support. Possible reasons for low self esteem or lack of confidence might include: they were teased a lot, suffered another way at some point before you met them, or felt that they have failed themself in some way resulting in bitterness and resentment. Important point: you can only help those who want to help themselves.
Ultimately it is your life and you need to take charge if you wish to live it rather than just survive. Whatever your position now, it need not remain for ever. Take courage in both hands and work out how best to live today and plan for tomorrow.
Jaz McKenzie
If you wish to write an article or poem please submit to: itsbraap@live.co.uk
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