Most of the time I'm going about my everyday business in an everyday mood, which waxes and wanes slightly depending on whatever is happening at the time. Occasionally I can go up or down a little bit more than usual but as I said in my poem 'The Claw' which I posted last Sunday on this blog along with some additional information, I went beyond my usual low and actually hit real depression- and I do mean the type where you actually see no point in continuing. Because this is not who I want to be I had to dig deep and do something about it quickly. If you would prefer to hear the poem I have a spoken rendition of 'The Claw' on YouTube so you can catch the flow!
The video above speaks about the ways in which I handled this recent episode and thankfully I am pretty much back on track now. Having thought hard about it I have decided to tell you my back story, having lived with real depression when I was younger and I hope this will be of help to people who may be experiencing something similar.
In the early 90's I was deeply depressed for several years when my children were very young. I actually had post-natal depression initially with my first born, Nicholas- I didn't realise until I felt happy one day when he was nearly three years old. That was an extraordinary feeling, recognising that I had experienced an absence of happiness in my life for so long. I even went to Barbados for a month when Nicholas was 17 months old, feeling dead inside the majority of the time. When you're craving a tomato and actually don't like tomatoes I guess that tells you something's amiss! In real terms, the lack of feeling I experienced is probably something you can only associate with if you have been through it. Interestingly, I had been working in a psychiatric hospital caring for women with post-partum depression whilst pregnant and in addition I worked three nights a week as Evening Store Manager at Marks and Spencer. After Nicholas was born I was offered fulltime employment at M&S, which I accepted as I didn't consider my previous role to be good for my health.
When Nicholas was a very young baby I remember calling my friend Maggie who was a health visitor and bawling down the phone because I felt so lonely due to just being around a baby all day. I honestly did not know how to cope. Days filled with baby care and housework. We had recently moved, all my friends were at work so I felt isolated. Looking back now, I guess that was an indicator of what was to come. Initially I really enjoyed the challenge of my new role which was Training Co-ordinator. The funny thing is, when the depression crept in I failed to recognise the signs, thinking it was just exhaustion as I was continually going between two stores, working fulltime and caring for Nicholas. I managed for a long while before it all became too much and I left; later working as a Nanny. I also think that I couldn't get my head around paying someone else to care for my child when childcare was my first love and I longed to look after Nicholas. I suffered with a lot of guilt because of this, especially as we seemed to get the worst of each other, being tired after a long day at work/childminder and having to catch up with the housework too.
A few years later, while I was managing a nursery, the depression hit once again. My youngest was mid-way through primary school and this time the depression lasted a few years. I failed to recognise the signs for a second time despite being as high as a kite one minute and in the depths of despair the next. The strangest thing is that I continued to function at work and at home. The way I did this was to create an entire fantasy world inside my head and chose to live in this imaginary environment whilst just about functioning in the other. My theory was that I was okay because I had created a happy, safe space and could return to it whenever I chose. Yes, that was pretty crazy (whilst being quite a sane solution in some ways) and my friend Margot, whose Grandson went to dance classes with my younger Son, wondered how on earth I managed to stay out of the local mental hospital- I used to tell her all my crazy thoughts and dreams!
In 2007 my life changed. I joined MySpace and it was at this point my ideas were consolidating. I don't know why, but for some reason I fixated on Lenny Kravitz who became my idol and inspired the creativity within me. For some reason I cannot phathom, Lenny's music literally set that side of me on fire! I had an entire ballet story in my head which contained a couple of really innovative ideas- and a musical based around Lenny's hit songs presenting his life story narrated as a rap; which had not been done at that time. These were ideas that have not been scripted. I was definitely ahead of the times as a little while later they had a competition to do with musicals on TV. One group used rap in this way and the judges stated that this was the future of musicals. To date, I have not met Lenny, however, I met Franklin Vanderbilt who was his drummer at the time and wrote a poem for him, 'Drum Star,'
Retrospectively, I believe this period of my life really shows us how the law of attraction works. I was totally focused on the fantasy whilst existing in my reality. I saw everything in full colour, felt every emotion and replayed it daily for months! Returning to actual manifestation, in my alternative world I saw myself interviewing people, I wanted to appear on radio and many more things. The reality is that I have manifested the overall personality I aspired to during my darkest days, and find this phenomenal. I created Its Braap, interviewed many interesting people and even co-hosted an internet radio show with Buffaloo for a while. I met a few Reggae personalities that I would not have expected to meet as I previously only regarded myself as a part time working mother of two boys. I find this manifestation so fascinating as I hadn't even heard of the law of attraction back then.
In real terms there is still a long way to go as my dreams continue to expand. As you Braapers know, I am beginning the process of building my brand and still intend to publish my poetry at some point in the future.
Because of everything that has happened since those long years I really have changed aspects of my personality that were pretty deep seated and functioning. I taught myself how to retrain my depressive thoughts and elevate above and away from them. There are many things I am addressing currently and as I said in the video, I know we all have the power to succeed. Everything is mind over matter and we have to practice, practice, practice despite the number of slip backs we make. If you continue to do this one day you will realise that you have achieved some of the changes you desired and are doing pretty well after all!
Over to you!!! Do you have a great
story to tell? What have you overcome and how? Are you organizing an event that
you’d love to share? Have you written an article, poem or short story you would
like featured? If so, please contact me with brief info via my Facebook
Group Its Braap and
I will get back to you. And subscribe to our YouTube channel at Its
Braap TV
Jaz McKenzie~ The Word Magician
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